I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
