i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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