So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
