Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
