My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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