Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
