dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
