I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
