I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
