I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
