They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
