i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
