Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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