You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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