You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
i've created a new STD.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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