If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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