it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Welp...herpes.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
