On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
