Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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