I think my vagina is haunted
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Randomize
