U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
