I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
