guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
