Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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