we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
