Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
