btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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