Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
