Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
