She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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