Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
How external is "for external use only"?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Randomize
