I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
