Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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