Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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