I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
There's always time for handjobs
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
