Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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