if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
