Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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