I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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