her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
This is classic penis vs brain.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
