I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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