Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
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She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
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Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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