my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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