$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
