I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
