I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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