Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
