I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
