Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
