My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My ATM looks so different sober.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
