Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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