i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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