do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
