explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
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She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
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I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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