you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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