The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
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We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
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i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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