we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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