and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
