we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
