Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
