worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
